Sobermindedness

I don't know why I feel as though I need to be in a stable state when I leave for Djibouti. Its probably tied into the unconscious mindset that I, as an American, naturally tend to have related to work overseas- for usefulness and success in my work, I will need to be self-sustained and able to pour all my energy into serving the Djiboutians. I feel as though I just need to be prepared to give of myself and my abilities. Well, if this were the truth, then I am very ill-prepared. 14 days until departure and I feel like I've just been mentally and physically beaten up.

I can still barely comprehend life after graduation even though I am now in it, and I miss the friends that have become like family. I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life or where I should spend it, and I feel unprepared to take care of myself. Plus I just really miss my friends. Already. I've invested a lot in these friends and they in me, and I carry around within me their stories as much as I carry my own. I am scared that they will not be properly loved and cared for in their new homes. Will others know that these people are worth putting time and energy into? Will they be able to see the beauty that I've been exposed to these four years? And will new people be able to appreciate me without being part of the journey that made me who I am this day?

A bomb has been set off at home. Disconnectedness and severed relationships within my immediate family. Secrets and darkness being revealed in my extended family. A dark cloud consistently hovers over this place. Things out of my control and I am directly affected by it all. I am increasingly given more responsibility and for that I will be thankful one day because of the character it develops, but until then... it's wearisome.

I am fighting, but I keep getting hit with blows from outside my line of vision. I'm tired. I want to hide out for awhile and let my bruises heal. This desire to retreat is frustrating because I don't have the time or ability to do so before I leave for Djibouti. I don't want to go to Africa in this state; I am not in a place to give. Instead, I need to take, and I need Djibouti to be a place of healing for me.

And this is okay as well as entirely possible. Giving and taking should go together. Participating in the mutuality of giving and taking in relationships is not a challenge in many relationships I have here, but I see that it may be there. The challenge will be ridding myself of unconscious ethnocentrism. Already I see it and I haven't even stepped foot on Djiboutian soil yet. I can only rid myself of it by keeping my eyes open, looking for it. I know it's in me, for it is impossible to be raised in any culture without forming a sense of ethnocentrism. I just need to maintain an objective perspective on the culture I'll be observing as well as partaking in, not forming judgments in either direction. Easier said than done, though, right? As for my trust issues... on a very basic level I trust that my friends, my family, and I will be taken care of in the various places we are. I just don't know what that will look like for any of us, but I'm learning that that is okay. My fears should not be mentally validated any longer.